Failure

Day 7: The thing(s) you're most afraid of.

Failure. I am pretty darn afraid of failure. At being a wife, a mother, a sister, a friend, anything.  I dont' want to be a failure. I don't have to be the best at it, but I want to at least be good at things.

I worry that one day I won't have Joel by my side. I worry that something terrible will happen, something that either takes him from me or damages our relationship beyond repair. I worry one day I won't be Mrs. Odell to my Mr. Odell.

I worry that I won't be a good mom. I worry that I will ruin my kids or that I will damage them in some way that will mess them up for life. I worry that they will hate me and I'm not talking about the teenager-stage-of-my-parents-are-stupid, but the lasting feeling of genuine dislike for your parents. I worry I won't be half the mom, my mom was.

I know I failed at being a big sister, but I worry I don't have time to make it up. I know that sisters have a deep bond that nothing else can touch, and I worry I have missed out my chance to have that with all of my sisters. I want that bond, but worry I have missed my chance.

I worry that I am a terrible friend. I worry that my friends think because I don't always call, because I don't see them regularly, that I don't care. I worry that I will loose friendships or do something to damage our relationships beyond repair. I worry the efforts I make to keep friendships appear to be fake or disingenuous. I much prefer in-person conversations, but given time and distance, it is hard to make that happen frequently. I worry I will grow old without a friend.

I worry I will fail. I am afraid I will be a failure at the important things in life.